Thoughts in early 2020

When stuff pops up on my facebook feed….

4 years. Seems like way longer and only yesterday both at the same time. I’ll never know if you guys will ever see this blog. At some point I’ll update it therapeutically for myself and just go over all the events as they happened. The problem with that is that it’ll be so far from your own narrative, what you’ve been told all your lives, that doing it may man I never show you guys.

I’ll explain. After years of no contact with your older brothers, Nathan and Ben, we rebuilt our relationships. Always a big part of our history though, is that I wasn’t there. And I know how it happened, and they think they know how it happened. But the reality for all of us now is that it doesn’t matter.

It would benefit nobody if they suddenly knew that their mum was a liar and a thief. It doesn’t help them to hear the truth about their mum just to satisfy my sense of fairness.

So, I don’t tell them. I just accept that they have a different knowledge of the world and all that matters is that they and I have a relationship once again. Of course it hurts to have missed out on their teenage years, but on the other hand I was lucky to have had their younger years with them. Some might even say I missed out on the worst bit and got the best bits!

And so it’s now the same with you guys. I don’t know if we’ll ever rebuild our relationship, but today I’m hoping we do. And when we do I’ll know that you guys don’t know the truth of things, and that it won’t matter anyway. What’ll be important is rebuilding our connection and having it forever afterwards.

The difference for us will be that in a digital age everything is there in glorious techni-colour, saved on the internet and if you decide you want to know more, you’ll be able to find out. And if you don’t, you won’t.

As for the facebook memories, that was one of our days out – up the Binn at the back of the town in Burntisland. Such beautiful views from the top.

Pettycur Bay from top of Binn, with Burntisland in foreground